How to Outsmart Your Cat

Bill Helmer

Legions of American cat owners will welcome this manual, the first ever to speak out frankly on a difficult subject that one’s sense of embarrassment usually consigns to some small dark closet of the mind where one’s mistakes are concealed.
In this case, the mistake is having fallen in love with a kitten for its cuteness, playfulness, and affection that seem to promise years of pleasure and amusement. Only a reluctance to admit that one was wrong, that one was taken in by a wily lower animal, deters many people from eventually admitting the truth and giving the creature to the first urchin who happens by, counting on him to lie to his parents and say, “The cat followed me home.”
For the cat is an unusually gifted creature who instinctively knows that its owner, like an unhappy spouse, may endure a long and unfulfilling marriage rather than concede that he or she made a lousy choice in the first place.
Correcting this problem and saving the relationship is the purpose of this program, which requires only determination on the part of the cat’s owner.
It will require a bit more on the part of the cat.

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Bill Helmer is a former Playboy editor, wrote books on gangsters and outlaws of the 20s and 30s, but mainly wants to be remembered as the guy who, in 1969, parlayed his master’s thesis into the first history of the Thompson submachine gun—The Gun That Made the Twenties Roar. He does not approve of firearms developed after WWII, however.
His recent books include John Dillinger: The Untold Story (1994), Baby Face Nelson: Portrait of a Public Enemy (2002), The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre (2004), The Complete Public Enemy Almanac (2008), and Al Capone: Memoirs of a Mobster’s Wife (2013).
Bill is a member of the Discordian Society, Bavarian Illuminati, and a Founder of The John Dillinger Died for You Society. He is also Amateur Radio operator W5AJR (retired).